The search for self validation

Ever stumble upon something that you like and must have? Then you pull the trigger only to ask yourself the proverbial question, “what was I thinking”?, and then to answer, “I wasn’t”.
How many of these have we all made and why do they continue? Why do we have some incessant urge for external validation?
What can we do to stop these “impulsive, mistakes”?
Here’s a psychological and neurological possibility.
First, lets understand a human factor. Unlike most or all other mammals, we are wired for a feelgood factor. It comes from collective unconscious. We’re wired to desire to feel good. Other mammals live to eat and procreate. Without training and understanding, it is quicker to achieve fulfillment from some external source. Many of us go our entire lives without understanding what is happening. We call this denial from ignorance. I don’t mean ignorance from a, YOU ARE DUMB perspective. We just don’t know what we don’t know. As humans, we don’t try and fix a problem until we experience devastation. Therefore, an alcoholic can’t be told he is an alcoholic. Plus, he can’t usually fix it until he has lost it all. We suffer from drugs, food, exercise, self-image and more and more. The result can be devastating and either permanent. We get blinding from reality. The problem is we seek external validation. That’s why many relationships come with a seven-year itch or we sell our car thousands of miles before its necessary.
Here’s an example. You watch television and see a sports car commercial. Your tired of driving that four door sedan. You drive to the dealer and take on a $700 monthly payment and off you go in your shiny speedster. The neurological chemicals inside you are pumping. You are on top of the world. You’re sure to call all your friends and circle all the restaurant parking lots so everyone knows how you want to be perceived. Your body’s switchboard is firing lights of VALIDATION!,VALIDATION!, VALIDATION!.Its like a space shuttle lifting off the launch pad. All this works until the second or third payment is due. Then the reality of “I can’t make the payment” kicks in. Pain kicks in. Incessant pain. The feeling of failure embraces you. So what do you do? Many go out seeking more external Validation.
Another example is thinking a new house or baby will save a relationship.
You can substitute these examples with almost anything you hit the buy button on without thought. Even opening your mouth to an entire bag of Oreos.
There are factors you may want to understand and then be willing to really accept why you victimized yourself into this predicament.
Lets get back to the “wired to feel good” in humans. It only makes sense we would want to feel good over bad. But what happens to us when we do it from an external source?
It may begin with how the cortisol system in your internal network is predisposed to fire chemicals. Those are fancy words to identify how your body reacts to external circumstances. Sometimes this can be so dire we require prescribed drugs to control it. Second, your emotional domestication during your childhood can enhance some of this disposition. Being told you are a failure repeatedly can only be resolve by a quick fix. The problem is it doesn’t stick. The result of the predisposition and misguided domestication is intercorporate complexes. Other words are insecurity and low self-esteem. The good news is in this century it can be controlled or even fixed if you are willing.
The first hurdle is to even identify with it. You can’t just say, “what’s wrong with me”. You must realize it is a real problem and not just some passing fancy. Step on in recovery programs state “I have come to realize I cannot manage my life”. Until we come to really realize there is a problem, these are only words.
Nothing will change until we learn to manifest happiness from within. We are perfect as is. However, we end up seeking a fast fix of metaphoric band aids. When we do this, our body sends out a host of “feel good neurotransmitters” that bring a smile to our face.
What you may not realize is while all this feel good is going on, your body is working diligently to try and keep you in balance. So like a stretched rubber band, your insides are pushing and pulling. The reason you don’t know what is going on is your body is doing a good job of hiding it from you. When you are hit with reality your body says, “ding, ding, ding, I can’t keep up and am in with drawl or emotional pain. If you cannot stop the impulse behavior, we call it addiction. Yes, even overeating Oreos can be an addiction.
So again, we do this to fulfill a void within. A void of validation of our self. A void we blame others for. How do we untangle this mess in years of creation.
1. Really accept there is a problem and own it.
2. Have a desire stronger than a simple wish to change.
3. Recognize you don’t know everything and require outside help. Doing it alone will take a stronger devotion and discipline than you think. Even then you must remember, you don’t know what you don’t know. You may never stumble across the answer alone. After the pain, the rewards of discovery are tremendous.
4. Understand it may take as many as several years to repair circuitry that came from your surroundings.
5. Be willing to experiment with change of pharmaceuticals in order to find a balance in your behavior without uncontrollable side effects. This is a tough one. Don’t just accept any doctor’s recommendation. Also part of the medical adjustment is to clear your mind while you are learning how to manage each circumstance.
Your goal is to wake up in the morning feeling at peace with yourself. This does not mean you have to accept yourself or the world as it is. It just means you will not have a need to eat an Oreo to feel good.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *